I Am NOT A Number

I have been thinking a lot lately about why the whole weigh-in process seems to be so scarey for me. The whole world just loves to define us by the numbers. Any mathematical formula that measures one human being against another is suspect to me. Probably the one thing that makes me most anxious surrounds the set of numbers that define my body. Doctors are the absolute worst when it comes to numbers, probably because they are scientists and naturally drawn to measurement. They just LOVE numbers! Your health itself is measured in numbers: cholesterol, triglycerides, blood pressure, temperature, oxygen saturation, lab results and of course, your weight. I have always hated being weighed, so much so that I worry for days if I think that someone will weigh me. If I haven't weighed in awhile, I am afraid to see my weight. It is as though knowing the number will change me, cause me pain and the self-disgust that creeps into my mind because of my weight has the potential to destroy my happiness. I have a real problem with telling someone, anyone, what I weigh. I have the most dear husband in the world, but even though I know down to my toes (all 10) that he would not care, I just can't allow him to know my weight. When we go to the doctor, I ask them to never say my weight out loud in front of him. This is about how I feel about ME, not him. I told a trusted friend about this once, and how awful it was that my doctor always weighed me every time I came in. (and while I am on the subject, why in the heck do doctors keep the scale in the hall where anyone can see?) My friend told me to tell them that they don't need to weigh me every time I came in and then refuse to be weighed. Eureka!! I did this for years, refusing to let the doctor weigh me unless he had a real need for it--I even once would not tell an ER nurse what I weighed when she asked me before my prescriptions were written. She began to guess hideous numbers, so I finally confessed to her, and GUESS WHAT? When I picked up my prescription at my pharmacy, my weight was printed right on the label!
So I began to think a lot recently about why these numbers get me so worked up. I think it really started back in elementary school, when I was a chubby little girl. Back in those days, the school nurse would periodically visit each classroom and weigh and measure the children. For some reason, the nurse would roll the scale right into the classroom, at the front of the class and weigh us before our class, something that seems ridicules today. I remember how afraid I was, and how I would almost be sick by the time they got to the S's in the alphabet and called out my name. The nurse would weigh the child and call their weight out loud to the teacher, who would write it down. I remember when I was called to the scale (or any other chubby child), the boys shushed the class and the erupted in laughter as my weight was called out. The teacher would simply say "quieten down, class". It was insane. I honestly think that this is where my hatred of that number comes from. I mean, I am fine, but subtle feelings like this need to be acknowledged if I want to change this.
The entire point of this blog is for me to find whatever innate wisdom is within me, or whatever wisdom I can pick up on the way from angels (human and otherwise) that I stumble upon and use it to solve my life-long battle with weight for the last time. I have decided that I will no longer make numbers an issue for me to do battle with. During earlier battles with my weight, I was obsessed with numbers, I clung to numbers. I would weigh myself at least every few days, and some days I was so distressed that the numbers didn't reflect what I thought I deserved. I would alter what I was doing based on those numbers, and then check it again. This was very stressful to me, and I am sure that it was not helpful. I am in this for the long run--for life. I am through playing games, I am not going to mess around with what I need to do to lose this weight. I am going to do what I need to do, period--right now I don't feel like I need to be held accountable by a scale. However, I know I absolutely have to remove that awful feeling from this process if I want to live with this permanently, FOREVER. I intend to change these feelings. Someday, if I feel like it, I might rent a billboard and put my weight on it. (probably not!) My point is, I am not there yet. I am not needing to meet the scale daily to be accountable right now, my determination is far too deep now. So I have decided to weigh in no more than once every two weeks. I will be far less likely to see all of those minute plateaus that are so hard to deal with. I will simply keep doing what I am doing as the plateaus quietly resolve themselves without me even knowing. I can deal with that. And so far, there have been really nice numbers--especially since I waited a month this time to weigh. Down 16 more pounds yesterday since the last weigh-in! It felt just great.